A Strange Sense of Purpose
With my upcoming move to a different team here in the office and the fast approaching business travel and holidays next month, my days are becoming filled with tasks to complete, people to talk to, deadlines to meet, plans to be made, meetings to attend. I am busy, busy, busy and … *wait for this* … loving it!
It’s a strange thing really. I’m not a workaholic - I still have time for other activities, friends, family, and even my own “me-time”. Neither am I madly passionate about my job - after all, I’m pretty certain that I’m not changing the world or ending world poverty. But yet there is a sense of happiness that it brings.
For the longest time, having a job was all about being able to afford the kind of lifestyle that I desired. But then, somewhere along the way, things changed. Work became an outlet for me. It filled up the many free hours that I had by myself and gave me something to do when I was lonely. As I think about it, I truly believe it “saved” me in more ways than I ever imagined.
Apart from giving me something to do, there was, of course, the financial aspect - as my career grew, so did the money. And that was a good thing because without it, I wouldn’t have been able to afford most of the things I used as outlets to get through the difficult times. Whoever invented the idea of retail therapy is a guardian angel J
Work was also something that belonged solely to me, something that brought about fulfilment – the feeling that I could do this and nobody could take it away from me. It brought a sense of achievement and gave me a feeling of self-worth, something I was badly lacking at that time. It provided me with a distraction, helped me to focus, and allowed me to live in a practical world, where emotions play a very small role and do not overwhelm me. Where my head ruled my heart, where situations could be rationalised, choices were clear and decisions were logical. And all of this lumped up together gave me a feeling of being in control of a life that was otherwise just spiralling beyond me.
So, I have a great affinity for my work. Not for the passion of the job itself, but rather for the escape that it sometimes provides me, and the self-healing that it has given to me in the past. Things have changed significantly in my life now - the foundations are being re-built and I’ve become much more comfortable in my own skin again. So I don’t really need my work to fill the purpose it did in the past. But there are still times when I find myself needing an outlet, to focus and be distracted from emotions. And at moments like that you will find me at my laptop, tapping at my keyboard, focused on my screen, oblivious to the world around.
The Perfect Year
Hooked on this, from the West End and Broadway musical Sunset Boulevard ...Ring out the old
Bring in the new
A midnight wish
To share with you
Your lips are warm
My head is light
Were we in love
Before tonight?
I don’t need a crowded ballroom
Everything I want is here
If you’re with me
Next year will be
The perfect year
No need to hear
The music play
Your eyes say all there is to say
The stars can fade
And they can shine
Long as your face
Is next to mine
We don’t need a crowded ballroom
Everything we need is here
If you’re with me
Next year will be
The perfect year
It’s new year’s eve
And hopes are high
Dance one year in
Kiss one goodbye
Another chance
Another start
So many dreams to tease the heart
We don’t need a crowded ballroom
Everything we need is here
So face to face
We shall embrace
The perfect year
Being Different
In a single moment, amidst the music, the alcohol and the people milling all around, it came to me. For a fleeting second, the absolute understanding of a simple thought … “we are so different”.
Two different people in a relationship together is not necessarily a bad thing as far as I can see. In fact, you have to admit that there is something strangely romantic about it – boy and girl from opposite ends of the spectrum, odds stacked up against them, but they work through it all and live happily ever after. The stuff movies are made of! And really, all around us, there are couples that are seemingly so different in the eyes of the world but who have still somehow managed to make greatness out of their relationships. A rarity compared to those who have common ideas, life missions and character traits, I agree, but still, they are there.
So different isn’t bad, but it sure is harder. And that’s sometimes worrisome because the exhilaration of new things with someone so seemingly exciting eventually dies off. And when that happens, reality sets in and then it’s just all about effort. So, the question then becomes how long can the effort be sustained, and what happens when one of us gets tired?
I am reminded of the lyrics of one of my favourite songs…"When the fire fades away Most of everyday Is full of tired excuses But it's too hard to say I wish it were simple But we give up easily You're close enough to see that You're on the other side of the world to me"
1 Month & Counting...
One of the projects that I promised myself I would do this year is to make a trip to visit my sister and her family in the great northern state of Alaska. It’s something I’ve been meaning to do for the last year and a half, but somehow just never got around to it. There were always excuses in the way – too expensive, can’t get leave, big projects at work, other closer places to visit. But similar to re-starting this blog, I wrote it down on my project list and somehow it just miraculously materialised. I have my ticket in hand, no turning back - in 1 month’s time, I will be on my way!
This upcoming trip makes me happy in many ways. It has been a long time since I’ve done something this big for myself. Holidays, in general, have always been planned around family, friends or my partner and this will be the first time since university that I am off on my own little adventure. I feel almost like a character from some children’s adventure story - off to follow the trail of a giant red tomato through the hole on the top of the magic Faraway tree or something!
It has been nearly 3 years since I last saw my sister, and at that point it was under less than happy circumstances. Our father was terminally ill, and she had returned home to see him and subsequently to attend his funeral. There was little time to catch up then as everyone was internally focused on managing their responsibilities and coping with our own individual grief. My last memory of my sister during that trip was of her opening the door to our family home for me. It was in the wee hours of the night when I had shown up in the rain, with my bags packed, having walked away from a life with someone that I had known for nearly 14 years.
So, it is with great excitement and equal trepidation (because me and my big sis are also big time fighter cocks!) that I begin my countdown … 1 month and counting!!!
Friends
The last five days have been filled with friends for me – some I’ve known for ages, some I’ve only recently come to know and some whom I just met for the first time over the long weekend. In all cases, over all the days, with all the different people, I found myself continually having a truly wonderful time. It is such a strange and wonderful thing how people come together and find that they just ‘click’ with each other.
